


Long Distance Saviors

by Starlight1395



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Smut, M/M, Non Idol AU, Open Ending, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, chan is the best hyung, implied sex, mentioned underage drinking, past suicidal thoughts/attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-19 11:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29874045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Hyunjin had met Jisung online nearly two years ago, and they quickly became inseparable, constantly calling one another and texting. When Hyunjin had the chance to take a program in Jisung's city, he jumped on the opportunity.For the first time, Hyunjin would be able to see Jisung in person - hug his friend, hold him close, remind himself that Jisung was alive, and safe, and that he wouldn't be taken from him.When Jisung starts to fall back into old habits, Hyunjin is terrified - would he survive losing his best friend?Or: Hyunjin and Jisung met in a chat for people who were suicidal, and ended up being closer than either ever expected.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 83





	1. The Thought of You Being Gone...

Hyunjin bounced his foot anxiously. He should be arriving any moment now, and the closer he got to the house, the more his stomach seemed to twist. His own apartment was just around the corner, but he had wanted to map the way via car before he tried to walk and accidentally got turned around and inevitably lost.

The house came into view and he thought his heart would beat out of his chest. He recognized the car in the driveway - he had seen both the exterior and interior several times, but never in person. It was almost surreal to see it.

“Thank you.” Hyunjin bowed his head to the driver before climbing out. The car drove away, leaving Hyunjin standing on the sidewalk in front of the house

Did he knock on the door? Ring the doorbell? Run away and pretend this never happened? Did he just text-

“JINNIE-” A blur flew past, knocking Hyunjin onto the grass behind him. Arms hugged him so tightly he thought he was going to burst, and he found all he could do was return the embrace and grin so hard his cheeks ached.

“Sungie,” he sobbed, holding onto his friend. “Fuck- I can’t believe this...”

“You’re even prettier in person,” Jisung sat back, his arms still loosely wrapped around the other boy’s neck. “I just- wow! You’re real and you’re _here_.”

“Mm, I’m here.” Hyunjin hid his face in Jisung’s shoulder, finally able to give his best friend the hug he had been promising for the last two years.

“Sung, is your friend here?” A voice called from the front door. Hyunjin and Jisung both looked at the same time to see a boy with curly blond hair grinning at them, his arms crossed over a broad chest.

“Come meet the others,” Jisung jumped to his feet and dragged Hyunjin up to the house, his hand so warm and so _real_ as their fingers laced together. “You technically already know everyone, but we can make it official!”

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Hyunjin,” Chan said with a warm smile. Jisung had talked about his friends to Hyunjin, telling him all his favorite stories and sending selfies. He had even talked to two of Jisung’s friends during their many, many facetime calls. “I can see why Jisung was so excited for you to come out here.”

“He’s been talking about this nonstop for the last two weeks.” A familiar face peeked around Chan’s shoulder.

“Good to see you again Lix,” Hyunjin waved to the freckled boy. “It’s been a while.”

“Hyung, let him in,” Felix laughed, nudging Chan to step aside. Jisung pulled Hyunjin into the house, the two boys practically glued to one another. “Minnie and Baby Bread went to the store, but they should be back soon.”

“I still can’t believe you’re here,” Jisung only held him tighter. “It feels like a dream.”

“I know,” Hyunjin nuzzled Jisung’s jaw with his nose, his smile bright. “I can’t believe how fucking lucky I was.”

He had been looking for internships and programs all around the coast, distance not really being an issue seeing how his parents were supportive of his dreams of being a professional dancer. The second he saw a program in the same city that his long distance internet friend Han Jisung lived...

Well, it wasn’t that hard of a decision to make.

He had applied instantly and had been accepted within days. He had moved into his small, one room apartment in the program building, where he would be teaching younger classes as he prepared for a showcase at the end of the season.

The look on Jisung’s face when he said they would finally get the chance to meet face to face for the first time since they met in that groupchat two years prior was perfect - he had screenshotted the call to commemorate the pure shock and joy on his friend’s features.

“Do you want to catch up for a bit?” Chan asked with a faint smirk. After two years of his friend talking nonstop about this Hwang Hyunjin, it wasn’t surprising to see Jisung clinging to the taller boy’s side like a koala. “It’s Binnie’s turn to make dinner tonight.”

“We’ll be in my room!” Jisung grinned and tugged Hyunjin up the stairs and into the first room on the right.

Hyunjin had seen the interior of Jisung’s room so many times it was familiar enough to be his own at this point. He shared with Felix and Seungmin, which was why they were the two he had actually spoken to already.

Jisung practically threw Hyunjin onto his bed and crawled over him, straddling the taller boy and curled around him, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s neck and his legs around his friend’s waist. Hyunjin returned the embrace instantly, burying his face in Jisung’s shoulder again.

“I can’t believe this is happening...” Jisung muttered again, his words muffled by Hyunjin’s shirt.

“I- I just...” Hyunjin pulled away just enough to cup Jisung’s cheeks, staring into the other boy’s eyes. Without blinking, he ran his thumb under Jisung’s eye, smiling a little as he leaned into his touch. “I almost lost this... I almost never got the chance to hold you...”

“Jinnie...” Jisung’s eyes stung, his eyebrows turning up as he fought back tears.

Hyunjin and Jisung had met in a group chat on twitter. It was a support chat for people who were suicidal but were too afraid to talk to anyone. It was the two of them, and six other people - they would message the chat anytime they felt they were in a bad place, and they would talk each other through their toughest times.

After a few months, the chat itself started to fizzle out - it turned out that two of the other people lived by each other so they started talking one on one, while the others slowly started actually getting therapy. Eventually, Hyunjin and Jisung solely talked to one another, sending the chat an occasional ‘thinking about you’ message every few weeks.

Jisung had literally saved Hyunjin’s life, on several occasions. There were so many times where Jisung talked to him through facetime, urging him to put the razor down, or to go back inside from the roof.

Hyunjin had saved Jisung’s life several times, too. Hyunjin had been the one he called when he cut too deep and started to panic. Hyunjin was the one who talked Jisung out of dozens and dozens of panic attacks, whispering through his outdated phone.

“I’m here...” Jisung whispered, knowing exactly what Hyunjin meant. There had been a few nights where the promise of being able to see each other in real life alone was what kept them alive.

Hyunjin genuinely almost lost Jisung before he ever even had the chance to hug him properly, and that realization made him want to throw up.

“You’re so... perfect to hug.” Hyunjin murmured, resting his forehead on Jisung’s shoulder.

“Look at me?” Jisung asked, a faint smirk audible in his voice. Hyunjin lifted his head just in time to feel lips pressing against his own. He leaned into the chaste kiss, his lips lifting in the corners. After a few moments they pulled away, both of their faces colored with a soft blush and even softer smiles. Jisung chuckled lightly, looking away but remaining perched on Hyunjin’s lap, his arms around the taller boy’s shoulders. “I did promise you a kiss.”

“Mm, you did.” Hyunjin bumped Jisung’s jaw with his nose, getting the boy’s attention.

One of the first times Jisung had talked Hyunjin down was a few months into their friendship - he had been dumped publicly and in the most humiliating way imaginable. His boyfriend outed him to the entire school, calling him a fag in front of the entire cafeteria, making sure everyone there heard him claim Hyunjin tried to rape him because he was straight and Hyunjin was a sexual deviant.

He had called Jisung as a last reach for help, so close to giving up that if Jisung hadn’t answered, he would have tried to overdose. It had been the one of the darkest moments of his high school career, and he never thought he would be able to overcome it. Jisung talked him through it, and when Hyunjin said no one would ever be able to love him,

Jisung swore on his favorite plush that he would kiss Hyunjin as soon as they met and prove to the taller boy how painfully lovable he was.

Hyunjin ended up finishing high school online, pulled from public classes due to the bullying, but that didn’t bother him - that much, at least - because he had Jisung by his side through the whole thing.

Hyunjin cupped Jisung’s face again, feeling his friend’s blush against his palms. He studied the smaller boy’s face carefully, taking in every single detail he could. Obviously he knew what Jisung looked like, but now that he was able to actually look at his friend, he could see how Jisung’s eyelashes were brown, rather than black, and that there was a faint dusting of freckles across his nose, from all the time Jisung spent skateboarding around the area, soaking up the sun when he had a chance.

His freckles weren’t like Felix’s - they were soft, barely even there. He would have to stay so close that he could feel Jisung’s breath on his lips in order to really see them.

“You’re so pretty,” Hyunjin sighed, pressing a kiss to the side of Jisung’s nose. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over how amazing you are...”

He could feel Jisung’s heartbeat against his own chest from how close they were pressed together. Jisung’s warmth soaked into his own skin, making the whole world fuzzy and comfortable. He felt like he could stay in Jisung’s bed, wrapped in Jisung’s arms, for the rest of his life and never be unhappy.

He almost lost this - he almost lost Jisung. The four hours between Jisung saying goodbye and Jisung calling him, in tears, were some of the longest in Hyunjin’s entire life. It had been almost a year since that night, and Hyunjin still had nightmares of finding Jisung’s lifeless body.

Jisung, drowning in the dredges of his depression, had sent Hyunjin a long message, apologizing for being such a burden and asking him to forgive him. Four hours later, he called Hyunjin, sobbing so hard he could have broken a rib. He had gone to the bridge and sat on the ledge, staring into the water for _hours_ , contemplating everything.

He had told Hyunjin that he had struggled with himself - every time he convinced himself to let go, he would think of something to make him stay, then immediately think of how useless it all was. He had argued with himself all night, almost falling off the edge of the bridge because his fingers were so frozen. He told Hyunjin that the final push had been the thought that no one would be able to contact Hyunjin to let him know what happened.

The last thing Hyunjin would have from him was that apology, and he would never know the truth of what happened, because no one else had his contact information other than Jisung himself. That was what finally convinced Jisung to step off the side of the bridge and trudge home, getting into his room without anyone having known he left in the first place. He had hid the suicide note that he had left on his pillow away where no one would be able to find it.

“Don’t cry Jinnie,” Jisung sounded close to tears himself. He nuzzled his cheek against his friend’s palm, desperately needing Hyunjin as close to him as possible. “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t apologize, idiot,” Hyunjin chuckled through his tears. “I’m just... I’m just so fucking happy. You’re my best friend.”

“I love you too, dumbass,” Jisung laughed brightly, tears glittering in his eyes like stars. “I never want to get up. I don’t want you to go.”

“I literally live down the street,” Hyunjin wrinkled his nose playfully. “It’s like, a ten minute walk.”

“I know, but... I’m scared if you leave, you won’t come back.”

“Jisung...” Hyunjin’s stomach dropped.

“I’m scared that this really will be a dream,” Jisung continued softly. “And that as soon as you’re out of reach, you’ll disappear for real.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Hyunjin tried to put as much conviction behind his words as possible, so Jisung could hear the promise. “You’re stuck with me.”

“Good.” His smile was blinding. Hyunjin didn’t think before he leaned back in, kissing his friend gently. He felt Jisung smiling against his mouth as the smaller boy’s hands slid from around his neck to grip the front of his shirt.

Hyunjin jumped when he felt Jisung nip at his bottom lip, but before he could do anything - pull away, or open his mouth to let Jisung take control of the kiss - there was a short knock before the door opened.

“Sung, dinner’s ready-” Changbin said, freezing when he saw the position his friend was in with a boy he had never seen before. “Who’s that?”

“Hyung,” Jisung flushed, hiding his face in Hyunjin’s neck. “This is Hyunjin. I’ve been talking about him for weeks. He moved around the corner for that dance program.”

“Oh...” Changbin trailed off, staring intently at Hyunjin, who was starting to fidget under the older boy’s intense gaze. “I was expecting someone... different.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jisung pouted, sitting up to look at his hyung properly.

“I dunno,” Changbin just shrugged. “Either way, dinner’s ready.”

“Mm, we’ll be right down,” Jisung said. Changbin nodded and closed the door again, leaving the boys alone once more. “His timing fucking sucks...”

“If you wanted to kiss me that badly, you just had to ask,” Hyunjin giggled, his cheeks flushing bright red. He could feel how hot his face was, and wondered if Jisung could feel the literal heat radiating from his cheeks. “Though next time, we can go to my apartment.”

“Hyunjin!” Jisung squeaked, rolling off the taller boy’s lap onto the floor, scrambling to his feet. Hyunjin could see how red his friend’s neck and ears were, and it made him giggle to himself.

Jisung was so cute.

Hyunjin stood and followed Jisung back down the stairs, where the others had already gathered in the dining room, the table set and everything.

He knew a little about Jisung’s living situation - apparently Changbin’s parents were loaded, and this house had been a little side project for them. They bought the property outright and spent a few years fixing it up. Once Changbin turned twenty, they let their son live there, more than happy to see Bin’s friends moving in to keep their son company as they went to college and worked.

“Here Jinnie, there’s a spot open next to Jisung.” He pointed to an open chair - there were exactly eight, and Hyunjin instantly felt genuinely included, not just tacked on.

“So this is Hyunjin, huh?” Jeongin asked, grinning at the boy in question.

“He’s so cute.” Minho grinned, resting his chin on his hand. Hyunjin already knew who everyone was - Jisung had shown him enough pictures that he would have been able to identify them instantly, but he sometimes forgot that not everyone knew who he was.

He wasn’t upset about it. He knew Jisung hadn’t talked to any of his friends about what he was going through, so it made sense for Jisung to be hesitant to explain how he and Hyunjin came to meet in the first place.

“Nice to finally meet you all,” Hyunjin smiled and nodded his head in a shallow bow, a shy smile on his lips. “Sung’s told me a lot about you.”

“Oh jeez,” Seungmin huffed. “That’s never a good thing to hear. Jisung knows way too much shit about us...”

“It was mostly all good things,” Hyunjin laughed happily as Jisung filled his plate. “I’ve been looking forward to getting to know all of Jisung’s friends for a while now. He’s always so happy when he talks about you guys... I- thank you for making him happy!”

He bowed his head again, causing all conversation around the table to stop. He felt eyes trained on him, and he felt his neck start to flush, the embarrassment growing in his stomach like vines.

“Um-” He tried to backtrack, only for someone else to speak up.

“We should be the one saying that,” Chan smiled at him. Hyunjin always knew Chan was attractive - he and Jisung used to joke that he had a crush on Chan based solely on the stories he had heard and the pictures he had seen - but seeing such a gentle smile aimed at him in real life almost made his heart flutter. “You’ve made our Jisungie so happy... even when we felt powerless, you still managed to get him to smile.”

“Hyung...” Jisung whispered large, watery eyes trained on the older boy.

“You think we didn’t notice how depressed you were a few years ago?” Chan raised an eyebrow. “We love you, Jisung. Of course we’re going to worry.”

“O-oh...” He trailed off, turning his attention back to his plate. He felt something touch his thigh and saw Hyunjin holding his hand out. He took it with a grateful smile, their fingers curling around each other, comforting Jisung immediately.

Hyunjin smiled at Jisung, giving the other boy’s hand a gentle squeeze. Jisung returned the smile, and the squeeze, before turning back to their dinner.

It didn’t escape Hyunjin’s attention that Changbin was staring at him with an unreadable expression.

* * *

  
“Welcome to my penthouse,” Hyunjin joked, letting him and Jisung into his small apartment. It was a single room, with a kitchen in the corner, a tiny bathroom off to the side and a bed shoved against the far wall. He had a desk, a closet, and a dresser, and a futon covered in blankets and pillows in the middle of the room, facing the wall with the television. There wasn’t much space, but it was perfect for a single twenty year old boy living on his own for the first time. “Make yourself at home.”

“You need some posters.” Jisung teased as he toed off his sneakers by the door.

“Mm, they have rules about hanging things on the walls, but as soon as I get some shit I’ll figure out a loophole,” He laughed, searching through a pile of papers on his desk.

“You know how much of a magpie I can be.”

Jisung loved to tease Hyunjin for the taller boy’s habit of finding shiny things and putting them on display. In fact, Jisung had even started mailing Hyunjin small rocks, and sparkly stickers, and anything that seemed shiny and pretty to add to his collections.

“You’ll gather more shit soon enough- what’s this?” Jisung asked, taking whatever it was that Hyunjin was handing him.

“It’s the spare key,” He said easily, going over to the fridge and pulling out two cans of Dr. Pepper - it was both their favorite, and one of the first things they bonded over. He handed his friend the second can, Jisung still staring at the key in shock. “I figured... if I could give the second one to anyone in the world, it would be you.”

“Jinnie...” Jisung sniffled, tears instantly running down his cheeks. He put the can down on the counter and threw himself at Hyunjin, almost tackling his friend down as he had done the first day Hyunjin had come to his house.

“You’re my best friend,” Hyunjin pet the smaller boy’s hair. “I want you to have a place to go, if you ever feel lost, or alone.”

“I love you so much,” Jisung sobbed, holding Hyunjin tightly, as if he were afraid his friend would turn into smoke. “I’m so fucking happy we met and that we stayed friends and that we didn’t fucking off ourselves before we got the chance to see each other in person and-”

“I love you too,” Hyunjin cut off his rambling. “You wanna cuddle and watch anime?”

“Yes!?” Jisung shot up, his eyes red but smiling regardless. They used to have anime dates all the time, where Hyunjin would share his screen and they would trade commentary over their facetime calls.

Without thinking, Hyunjin leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Jisung’s mouth. He was just so cute and excited, he couldn’t help himself. Jisung blinked at him before grinning, showing Hyunjin the heart shaped smile he was so fond of. Without mentioning the kiss, he tugged the taller boy over to the futon and plopped down as

Hyunjin set up his laptop, placing it on the small coffee table that sat between the futon and the wall.

He put both cans of soda next to the laptop and settled down, letting Jisung throw the fluffy blanket over their laps. Jisung curled into Hyunjin’s side, listening to his friend’s heartbeat as the opening theme for the show they had started, but never finished, started playing.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but think about how natural it felt to hold Jisung.

He also couldn’t help but think about how easy it was to kiss Jisung, but that wasn't something he wasn’t going to bring up unless Jisung did.

Because kissing his best friend was one thing, but trying to start a relationship was... completely different, and Hyunjin would never jeopardize his friendship with Jisung.

* * *

  
“Do you think you’ll ever tell them how we met?” Hyunjin asked softly. He and Jisung were sitting on the couch in Jisung’s living room, the others out in the kitchen gathering snacks for their movie night. Chan and Changbin had work, but the other four were excited to watch the horror movie Minho had suggested - according to the older boy, it had gotten _terrible_ reviews, which only made it even better.

“I... I don’t know,” Jisung admitted after a moment. “Probably if I get _really_ bad again, but otherwise... If it were just about me, maybe, but if I told them, then that would be outing you too, you know?”

“You shouldn’t worry about outing me-” Hyunjin was cut off by a small stampede entering the living room, their arms filled with bottles and bowls and bags.

“Jin, you drink?” Minho asked, sitting on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, placing his armful of drinks down.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin grinned, taking the offered green bottle from Minho, who was smirking at him. Jisung gave him a _look_ , and he just bumped the smaller boy’s jaw with his nose. “It’s fine, Sung. I’m better now, remember?”

Neither really spoke about the almost full month Hyunjin spent perpetually drunk, right after he had started homeschooling. He had managed to hide it from his mom, who worked so much he rarely ever saw her, but not from Jisung, who could read his every emotion, even through the grainy phone camera.

Jisung hesitated a moment before nodding. He trusted Hyunjin, and this time - for the first time ever - Jisung could be there for his friend if he got too drunk. No more listening to Hyunjin gag and sob over the toilet while the phone was pointing at the ceiling.

Hyunjin smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his temple, seemingly without a second thought. He cracked the bottle open and took a sip, the cold soju burning perfectly as it went down his throat. He offered the bottle to Jisung, who didn’t hesitate to take the offered sip. Between the two of them, the bottle wouldn’t last long at all.

Neither of them noticed Minho glancing back at them, nor Minho discretely texting the chat between himself, Chan and Changbin.

The movie itself wasn't all that scary - in fact, it was almost painfully predictable. Even so, Jisung found himself jumping at each and every scare, even the most obvious ones. Hyunjin couldn't stop the giggles that slipped out at his friend's expense, holding him closer so the big scary ghosts couldn't get him. 

It was when the old man checked into the ooky spooky haunted hotel that Hyunjin knew something was wrong. The man talked about his wife, who just passed away, and how that particular room was where they spent their honeymoon. He had a bad feeling about the man, but he couldn't say anything without potentially making the others worry. He simply held Jisung closer, dread building in his stomach with each passing minute that the old man wasn't mentioned.

As the main character walked up the creaky steps to the man's room, Hyunjin could feel himself start to shake. Jisung noticed and glanced up at his friend, concern painted clearly on his face. The soju they had split wasn't nearly enough to get them drunk, but Hyunjin was just fuzzy enough to feel the anxiety building in his chest. Each step the girl took seemed to take an eternity. 

He knew what was coming. He _knew_ it, and it made his sick to his stomach.

He covered Jisung's the second the girl opened the bathroom door. Her scream echoed in the living room, and the boys watching all gasped. Hyunjin found himself completely frozen, staring at the gruesome scene of the old man, his wrists slit open from wrist to elbow, crimson blood seeming to flood the floor and bathtub. The girl just kept screaming, but Hyunjin found himself unable to make a single sound. 

That could have been him.

That could have been _Jisung._

Jisung pulled Hyunjin's hand away from his eyes and froze as well, his ears ringing loudly. He had looked just in time for the scene to change, but it was enough to shake him to his core. He wondered if he would _ever_ be able to see something like that and not feel the urge to throw up.

Hyunjin held him tightly, as if he were afraid Jisung were going to run out of his arms and finish what he had failed to do a year ago. 

"You guys okay?" Seungmin asked, noticing how pale and still both Hyunjin and Jisung were. Hyunjin was the first to regain his voice, shooting the other boy a weak smile.

"Mm, just... wasn't expecting something so... g-graphic." His voice cracked, which only made the concern on Seungmin's face deepen.

"We can turn it off," Jeongin offered, getting Minho's attention. "We can watch something else. It's alright."

"No, it's okay," Hyunjin's second smile was a little stronger. "I know you were all looking forward to this. Besides, it's almost over, yeah?"

"Are you sure?" Felix frowned, looking at Hyunjin and Jisung with large eyes. Jisung just nodded and rested his head on Hyunjin's shoulder, partially hiding his face from the others. Hyunjin looked down at his friend and his chest clenched, as if his ribs were being crushed. 

"Yeah, we're good," Hyunjin prayed his voice was finally level again. "Though we might turn in after this. Sung's been kinda tired today, so I told him I'd sleep over."

"If you're sure..." Minho trailed off, looking conflicted. With a nod from Hyunjin, confirming their decision, the older boy put the movie back on. Hyunjin slumped on the couch, pulling Jisung onto his lap fully, their legs covered by the blanket. He felt better, having Jisung's legs resting over his lap - like he was safe. Like he was home.

* * *

  
Hyunjin had been in his apartment for almost two months, and he was falling into a very comfortable pattern. He would wake up early to make himself breakfast before going to lower layers of the building where the studios were. He spent an hour or two warming up before his students arrived - He may have been biased, but they were the cutest group of eight year olds in the world, and Hyunjin was absolutely weak for each and every one of them - before taking a break for lunch, then going to his own lessons. Afterwards he ran up to his apartment, showered and got changed, then took the short walk over to Jisung’s.

It had gotten to the point where they just left the front door open for him, knowing he would be there around the same time every day. On the days he had off from his program, he and Jisung lounged around his apartment, cuddling and cooking and watching movies and never actually talking about the way they seemed to dance around each other.

Occasionally some of the others would go with Jisung, and they would turn Hyunjin’s apartment into a warzone of blankets and pillows. Those days were exhausting, but left Hyunjin glowing happily afterwards.

And sometimes, Hyunjin found his social battery being drained. He had texted Jisung earlier that day and said he was just going to stay in, maybe take a nap. He was just so tired, and he didn’t know why. Maybe he had just been pushing himself too much recently - dancing five hours a day, then spending time surrounded by high energy boys...

He just wanted to go to sleep, but it was only four in the afternoon - far too early to go to bed for the night, but too late to take a nap if he ever wanted to sleep later that night.

Maybe he would just... rest his eyes for a few minutes...

His bed was just so soft and welcoming and... way too big and empty. Maybe he could text Jisung and ask him to come over to cuddle. If anyone could help recharged his battery, it was Jisung, but he just couldn’t bring himself to roll over and grab his phone.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, the sound of the front door opening was making him jolt awake. He sleepily sat up and looked over towards the door, rubbing his eyes to try to get rid of the blurriness.

“Jinnie?”

“Sung?” His voice was rough from sleep. “You good?”

Jisung didn’t say anything. He walked across the small apartment and instantly crawled into bed next to Hyunjin, hiding under the covers and curling into the taller boy’s side, as if trying to make himself as small as possible.

“What’s wrong babe?” Hyunjin asked, rubbing Jisung’s back comfortingly. After two years of being friends, Hyunjin knew which pet names Jisung adored, and after two months of living around the corner from one another, Hyunjin knew exactly what kind of touches Jisung needed when he got overwhelmed.

“Found my old journal,” He whispered after a moment. Hyunjin stayed quiet, giving his friend all the time he needed to gather his thoughts. “I read some of the entries... and found my letter from last year...” He didn’t need to elaborate for Hyunjin to know he was talking about the suicide note. “ I don’t know why I let it get to me. It was so long ago, but it made my chest so tight and I thought I was going to throw up. Channie hyung noticed something was up and tried to ask me what was wrong but I just- the thought of talking to anyone but you made everything worse...”

“You’re okay love,” Hyunjin murmured, holding Jisung closer. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

“Jinnie?”

“Mm?”

“Can you distract me? Please?” There was a note of desperation to Jisung’s words, and Hyunjin knew in that moment that he would do _anything_ for the smaller boy.

Without a second thought, Hyunjin leaned in and kissed Jisung, pressing his lips to his friend’s firmly. Jisung didn’t hesitate to open his mouth, gently urging Hyunjin to lick along his teeth and tongue.

With a happy sigh Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pulling Jisung onto his lap. Jisung instantly wrapped his arms around his neck, grinding down as he let out a quiet moan. It built a fire in Hyunjin’s blood in a way he had never really experienced - he had felt lust, obviously, and understood why sex was so fun, but there was something about his best friend wiggling on his lap to make him moan that was so... different.

“Jinnie...” Jisung whimpered as Hyunjin kissed down his throat, tensing as he felt teeth against his skin. Hyunjin hummed as he sucked a dark mark into Jisung’s neck - they had been friends long enough that he knew all of Jisung’s kinks and fantasies, and vise versa. He had jokes at one point, about how fun it would be to date one another, but that was back before there was ever an actual chance to meet in person.

“So gorgeous...” He found himself murmuring, almost helpless to Jisung’s whims. He couldn’t bring himself to deny the smaller boy anything, despite how tired he was. Each whimper and moan spurred Hyunjin on, wanting to draw more and more of those pretty sounds out of his friend’s kiss swollen lips.

Jisung threw their clothes somewhere across the apartment, leaving them both in just their underwear, but Hyunjin didn’t feel awkward, or uncomfortable. Just like everything else, being with Jisung felt as natural as breathing.

He ran a thumb over Jisung’s thigh, tracing the fading scars. Jisung had been clean from self harm for almost fives months. Jisung did the same, running his hands across the faint lines that covered Hyunjin’s stomach. Hyunjin had been clean from self harm for almost a year.

Neither boy would have made it that far without the other, and it scared Hyunjin a little, how perfectly they seemed to fit against one another. Everything good always seemed to crumble under his fingers, but Jisung was the one good thing that never left - the one good thing he could always count on being there for him.

Did he ever think he would be in this situation? Absolutely not. Has he daydreamed here and there about what it would be like to date Jisung, the one person in the entire world that really seemed to _understand_ him?

Probably more times than he would ever admit.

Did he want to sleep with Jisung? He wasn’t sure.

Would he say no, if Jisung asked to fuck? He absolutely wouldn’t.

He had never been good at telling Jisung no.


	2. ...Makes Me Cherish Our Time More

“Shh, they’re going to hear.” Jisung giggled, pulling Hyunjin behind him. Hyunjin had been content staying in bed after messing around with Jisung - they didn’t sleep together, but they got close. Hyunjin still felt a little fuzzy from that last orgasm that Jisung managed to pull from him - but the smaller boy wanted to show him something, so they made the ten minute trek back to the house. He refused to tell Hyunjin what it was, but the excitement in his eyes erased any hesitation in him.

“They’re gonna know anyway.” Hyunjin whispered, allowing himself to be tugged up the stairs.

“Maybe not- hyung!”Jisung skidded to a halt, causing Hyunjin to slam into his back. They stared at Changbin, who was just coming out of the bathroom. The yellowing lights flooded the hall from behind the older boy, the three standing at a stalemate.

“You’re coming back late...” Changbin eyed them suspiciously.

“Well... you s-see...” Jisung stuttered, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

“Looks like you two got up to some... fun.” Changbin’s face was level but there was emotion behind his words - if Hyunjin didn’t know any better, he would say it was... disdain.

The older boy went over to Jisung and stared at him a moment longer before reaching up and pressing a finger against one of the bruises Hyunjin had left, making Jisung flinch a little. Hyunjin stepped forward, ready to tell Changbin off for hurting Jisung, but the elder was already slipping into his bedroom.

“Sung...” Hyunjin trailed off, turning to his friend, face open with worry.

“Don’t mind him,” Jisung smirked humorlessly. “He’s just... protective. He probably thinks you’re here to whisk away my virtue or something.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hyunjin asked, running a gentle thumb over the hickey Changbin had pressed.

“Mm, promise,” Jisung smiled and tilted his head just enough to place a kiss to his friend’s wrist. “Come on, I still wanna show you that thing.”

“Mm.” Jisung tugged him towards his bedroom, putting a finger against his lips. Felix and Seungmin were still sleeping, but Hyunjin knew that they were deep sleepers - he and Jisung had many a late night conversation where his roommates were none the wiser.

“In your dresser?” Hyunjin asked silently as Jisung started to dig through his top drawer. Jisung just grinned wider before pulling something out and holding it up proudly.

“You-”

Hyunjin thought he would get a nose bleed then and there.

The little lace panties in Jisung’s hands looked so delicate, and Hyunjin could immediately imagine how the straps would push against Jisung’s hips, the flesh just barely squishing around the elastics.

He let out a sound similar to a balloon losing air as he stared at the lingerie, and the longer he stayed quiet, the wider Jisung’s grin grew.

“Maybe next time...?” He said, trailing off. Hyunjin, speechless, just nodded quickly. It took all of his strength not to take Jisung by the wrist and drag him back to the apartment and have his way with him.

Instead, Jisung tucked the panties back into his drawer and tugged Hyunjin over to his bed. They laid down and curled around one another, instantly feeling at home. Hyunjin sighed happily, thinking to himself that he had never been more content in his life.

* * *

  
“This is great Jisung.” Chan grinned at his friend, who was sitting in his normal chair at the dining room table, Hyunjin in his own usual seat.

“Hyunjin definitely helped,” Jisung said easily, making Hyunjin blush. “He’s the one that suggested adding cinnamon to counter the spiciness.”

“There’s cinnamon in this?” Jeongin blinked.

“I never would have guessed...” Minho raised an impressed eyebrow.

“Ah, it’s just something my mom always does,” Hyunjin said, feeling a little shy. “I was hoping it would work out right and not ruin everything.”

“I’m glad you were able to live so close, Hyunjin,” Chan said abruptly. He glanced to Minho, who nodded minutely. “I really think you fit in with us, and Jisung’s been so happy.”

“Um, th-thank you, hyung.” Hyunjin stuttered, his face flushing. He adored Jisung’s friends, Chan in particular because the older boy was always so warm and welcoming. He had been the first person outside of his parents and Jisung to tell Hyunjin he was proud of him.

“You’re part of our little family now,” Chan continued, his words heavy as if he were trying to imply something between the lines. “You can always lean on us, and never feel like you have to hide things. We’ll accept you no matter what.”

“Um... thank you?” He glanced at Jisung, who looked equally as confused.

“We’re all kinda odd, but that’s why we fit together so well,” Minho continued, looking at Hyunjin intently, making Hyunjin feel a little uncomfortable. “Whatever is weighing on you, that you think you have to hide, it doesn’t make you different in a bad way. You never have to worry about feeling out of place here, or that we’ll be disappointed in you for just being yourself.”

“Hyung... you’re being kinda weird...” Jeongin whispered, elbowing Minho in the side.

“Ya! Watch your back Baby Bread! I’ll get you back for that-” Minho took Jeongin by the face, pinching the younger boy’s cheeks. Jeongin fought back weakly, not really trying all that hard to break away.

And just like that, the weird tension in the air was gone. They were instantly back to joking around and eating, as if the strange lecture never happened. Hyunjin, however, stayed quiet and chose to instead listen. The others were talking about school, and work, and the shows they were watching.

It was nice - domestic, almost. Hyunjin really did feel like he belonged.

Maybe... maybe he could allow himself to get used to this.

* * *

  
“I’m gonna run to the bathroom.” Jisung said abruptly. The eight boys had gathered to play some party games, seeing how for the first time in forever all of their schedules managed to line up perfectly. Chan had stocked up on drinks - alcoholic and non - and Changbin practically catered the evening, ordering from three different places.

“Everything okay?” Hyunjin caught Jisung’s wrist. He had noticed the smaller boy starting to pull away from them, but everytime Hyunjin asked, Jisung assured him nothing was wrong.

“Mm, just drank a lot.” Jisung gave him a tight smile. Hyunjin wanted to say something more, but Jisung was already halfway up the stairs.

“Is everything alright with him?” Seungmin asked, nudging Hyunjin gently.

“I hope so,” Hyunjin sighed. “If something was really wrong, he’d definitely come to me... maybe he’s just feeling sick or something.”

“Maybe.”

“Did you know that Jisung used to always burn everything he cooked?” Minho grinned, his lips curling up. Hyunjin blinked and shook his head. Hyunjin wondered if Minho was doing this on purpose - distracting the younger boy from his worrying. “Well, he actually used to be banned from the kitchen entirely. He even burnt the microwave popcorn, but as soon as you started to come around, he asked to cook again. He wanted you to help him, and Channie hyung finally caved and let him try again.”

“I think it worked out pretty well.” Chan chuckled, thinking back to their meal the day before.

“Jisung used to think there was a monster in his closet,” Felix chimed in, his face lighting up with a grin. “Every night he _swore_ there was something moving around in there, but none of us could ever find anything.”

“Eventually we realized there was a draft coming from a crack in the wall that kept making the hangers clack against each other,” Seungmin finished, making Hyunjin grin. “He was so relieved that it wasn’t actually a monster that he wasn’t even embarrassed.”

“He’s so cute,” Hyunjin smiled to himself. It was then he realized Jisung still hadn’t come back from the bathroom. His smile instantly fell. “I’m gonna go check on him.”

“Mm.” Chan hummed in acknowledgement, frowning a little in concern. He had noticed Jisung’s absence as well, and was just about to go upstairs himself.

Hyunjin climbed the now familiar stairs towards the bathroom, noticing the light coming out from under the closed door, the hallway itself fairly dark.

“Sung? You good?” He knocked on the door gently.

“Mm, I’m almost done.” Jisung sounded... too quiet.

“Can I come in?”

“No, it’s okay-”

“I’m coming in,” He said, opening the door anyway. Jisung was standing at the sink, washing his hands. He didn’t even look up as his friend came to stand behind him. Hyunjin saw the water going down the drain was suspiciously... pink. “Jisung, are you okay?”

“I’m fine-”

“There’s blood on the sink.” Hyunjin noticed the single drop of crimson on the spotless white countertop.

“I-” Jisung’s hands shook as he dried them.

“Did you at least clean them properly?” Hyunjin asked, his throat tight.

“Mm, it wasn’t that bad,” he whispered, turning and hiding his face in Hyunjin’s chest, letting his friend hold him close. “Just a few, and they were shallow.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Why? I fucked up...”

“Because you held yourself back from doing too much damage,” Hyunjin explained, running a hand up and down Jisung’s back. “Baby... did something happen?”

“Not really,” Jisung leaned into the embrace. Hyunjin realized this was the first time he had the honor of being able to hold Jisung in his time of need. It made him hold his friend just a little bit closer. “I just... I don’t know. I guess I’ve been getting overwhelmed, and it feels like there- like there’s a pressure under my skin that’s going to make me explode, and that’s- that’s the only way to get it out.”

“I understand,” Hyunjin pressed a kiss to the corner of Jisung’s mouth. “I’m still proud of you, aegi. I know how hard that must have been for you. Do you wanna turn in for the night? I’m sure the others would understand.”

“No, I’m okay,” Jisung shook his head. “I wanna finish the game with the others...”

“Alright Sungie,” Hyunjin hummed, tilting Jisung’s head back to kiss him properly. He felt the smaller boy sigh into the kiss, as if the pressure he had been talking about before was releasing itself because of Hyunjin’s kiss. “Mm, let’s go back down.”

“I really wanna show you those panties properly,” Jisung chuckled softly. “I wanna see your face... but I guess we can do that later.”

“Definitely later.” He promised, taking Jisung’s hand. As a last thought, he turned around and wiped the drop of blood from the counter and rubbed his thumb on his black shirt, the crimson disappearing against the dark fabric, as if it had never been there in the first place.

They made their way down, where the others were chatting. As soon as they came down the stairs, the conversation stopped as they smiled at them.

“Welcome back you two.” Chan grinned, waving them over.

“Done making out?” Minho snickered, his grin only growing when he saw both Hyunjin and Jisung flush red. The rest of the boys chuckled, but no one really noticed Changbin awkwardly looking at his phone.

“Can we get back to the game?” Jeongin pouted. He had been winning before Jisung went to the bathroom, and was looking forward to taking that sweet victory from his hyung’s hands.

“Mm, we’re ready.” Hyunjin grinned, discreetly taking Jisung’s hand. Jisung glanced at him and smiled softly, leaning into the taller boy’s side, just a little.

Hyunjin had a feeling things with Jisung were getting worse than the smaller boy would be willing to admit, which meant he needed to find a way to talk to his friend before it was too late.

He just got Jisung - he wouldn’t be able to survive losing him for good.

* * *

  
“Wow...” Hyunjin breathed, his eyes wide as he drank in the sight of Jisung splayed out underneath of him, completely bare except the lacey panties and a pair of thigh high white socks. He had been right, the straps of the lingerie making the flesh of his hips press out. He wanted to bite it.

“Cute right?” Jisung giggled, wiggling a little.

“Mm, look at this,” He ran a thumb where the skin pressed against the straps. He didn’t know why, but he was obsessed with the sight. He wanted nothing more than to stare and touch and _bite_ \- “You’re so pretty, Sungie.”

“Ah, I’m not that-” He was cut off my Hyunjin giving into his instincts. The taller boy leaned down and bit Jisung’s hip, between the straps.

“I just wanna... mark you all up,” Hyunjin didn’t know why he had the urge to do so, but now that it was in his head, it was all he could think of - Jisung’s pretty, pretty golden skin absolutely covered in bruises and bites and scratches. “You’re so fucking pretty.”

Hyunjin moved down Jisung’s body until he was level with the smaller boy’s thighs. He pressed soft, loving kisses to the healing cuts. They were only a few days old, but the skin was still raised and tender.

Jisung flinched a little, but didn’t try to turn away from Hyunjin.

“Jinnie...” Jisung whined, twitching every time Hyunjin bit a mark onto his inner thighs, just barely avoiding the one place that was begging for attention.

“Tell me what you want baby.” Hyunjin whispered, wondering faintly where the confidence to say such things came from. He wasn't a virgin, sure, but had never been like _this_ in bed before.

“You,” Jisung breathed, eyes shining. “I want you.”

And who was Hyunjin to deny Jisung anything?

* * *

“Where’s Sungie?” Hyunjin asked, entering his friends’ home as he had done for the last three months. Summer was almost up, which meant his program would be ending soon.

At first, the thought had scared him - then Chan offered to let Hyunjin stay in the house while he looked into colleges in the area. Hyunjin’s first thought was to decline - that was way too much to accept! - but then he realized it meant staying close to Jisung, and he instantly called his parents, asking what they thought.

He would go home for a short while after his program ends to pack his things, and return to stay with Jisung and the others for the school year. His parents even agreed to let Jisung come home with him during the holidays, which the smaller boy was _very_ excited for. He would finally be able to see Hyunjin’s room for real.

“He said he was going on a walk.” Chan said, glancing at Minho. The house was quiet, other than the three eldest, who were sitting in the living room.

“Oh, alright.” Hyunjin frowned a little. Normally Jisung invited him to go on walks with him, but he understood the other boy wanting some space - they had been attached at the hip since Hyunjin’s program started. It only made sense that Jisung would want a little space here and there to gather his thoughts.

“Hyunjin, there’s something we wanted to talk to you about.” Chan said, sounding far more serious all of a sudden.

“Ha... ominous!” Hyunjin tried to joke, parroting what Felix always said, but his chuckle fell flat as the three older boys looked at him.

“We... we know how you and Jisung met...” Minho started, biting the inside of his cheek and looking over to Chan. Hyunjin felt his heart stop.

_I’ll probably tell them if things get, like, really bad._

“And we wanted you to know that it’s okay,” Chan continued, moving to put a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder. It didn’t escape their attention how the younger boy seemed to freeze in place. “We know first hand how hard it is to come to terms with something like that, and- Hyunjin? Are you alright?”

Chan started to panic when he noticed Hyunjin shaking, tears rolling down the boy’s pale cheeks. Hyunjin shook his head, his arms coming around his torso.

If Jisung told Chan, Minho, and Changbin, that meant things got really bad again. He said he would only tell the older boys if it was _bad_ \- and if they knew...

“Wh-where’s Jisung?” He asked, voice shaking.

“On a walk.” Changbin responded with a raised eyebrow.

“Where did he _go_?” Hyunjin shouted, tears dripping off his chin. “Where the fuck did he _go_?”

“Hey, no need to take that tone-” Chan started, only to be shoved away.

“No! You don’t fucking _understand_ -” Hyunjin thought he was going to throw up. Jisung was bad again, and he was _gone_. Jisung was gone and Hyunjin might never see him again and it was all Hyunjin’s fault for not being able to help Jisung sooner. “He- I can’t lose him-”

“Woah, who said anything about losing anyone?” Chan could tell there was something more going on, and it frightened him.

“If he told you, that means-” He could feel himself starting to hyperventilate. “Oh fuck- if he told you about the suicide chat, that means he’s gotten bad again! He- and now he’s gone? Oh god- oh _fuck_ what if he does something stupid? How could you let him _leave_?”

“Wh-” Chan blinked, trying to understand what Hyunjin just admitted to them. “What are you talking about?”

“What do you _mean_?” Hyunjin all but screamed. “We have to find him before it’s too late-”

“Wasn’t it a gay chat thing?”

“ _What_?” Hyunjin’s voice cracked painfully, causing the others to flinch.

“Th-that’s how you met, right?” Minho asked desperately, almost begging Hyunjin to say it was all a joke. They had been piecing it together since Hyunjin first came to the house, and it was the only thing that made sense. They knew Jisung was queer in some fashion, but the younger boy hadn’t officially said anything, and Minho overheard Jisung and Hyunjin talking about being outed during their movie night, which he immediately reported to their hyungs chat. It was only solidified when they saw Jisung and Hyunjin sneaking kisses when they thought no one was paying attention, and how the two would sneak in, barely covered bruises on their necks.

“ _NO_?” Hyunjin stared at them in horror. “Why would you think that?”

“Well-”

Just then the door opened. Jisung stepped into the front hall and kicked his shoes off, looking tired but otherwise unharmed. There was a beat where the two boys just stared at each other, Jisung’s face furrowing with worry at the sight of Hyunjin’s tears. Hyunjin flew at him in an instant, latching onto his side and sobbing into his shoulder. Jisung held him, face twisted in concern and confusion.

“J-Jinnie?” he asked, awkwardly rubbing his friend’s back.

“Oh my god-” Hyunjin thought he was going to throw up again, solely from how _relieved_ he was. “You’re okay... oh fuck you’re okay-”

“Of course I’m okay,” He chuckled weakly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Jisung, we need to talk.” Chan said softly, making the younger boy tense. There was a moment of silence, the air thick, before Jisung steered both himself and Hyunjin into the living room, setting them down on the couch. Hyunjin only clung to him tighter, sobbing his heart out for a reason Jisung didn’t know yet.

“What’s going on? Why is Hyunjin crying?” He asked, frowning at his hyungs.

“I think there was a misunderstanding,” Chan sat on the coffee table, facing the younger boys. “We... we thought we figured out how you two met, and wanted to let Hyunjin know that- that we supported him - that we supported both of you. Obviously we do, because we’re all some kind of gay here, so you wouldn’t need to hide anything-”

“What are you _talking_ about?” Jisung asked, his tone incredulous.

“They thought you met in some kind of LGBTQA+ support group,” Changbin said, biting his cheek and refusing to look at Jisung. “I kinda thought you met in a...” He trailed off, mumbling the last part.

“What?”

“In a BDSM group...” Changbin muttered a little louder. “That’s why I was so... weird about him being so clingy with you. I thought it was some weird sex thing...”

“So wait, you thought we met in a gay support chat, and you told him-” Jisung’s eyes widened in horror when he realized what he was implying. He instantly wrapped his arms tighter around Hyunjin, who had only just started to calm down. “No, Jinnie, baby, I would never- I’m okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I swear I’m not going to leave you.”

“Why did he react like that?” Minho asked bluntly, not sure how to bring it up kindly.

“I told him... I told him that I would only tell you guys about how we met and everything with that... if things got bad again,” Jisung whispered, holding Hyunjin’s trembling body as close as he could. “Bad as in... as in I was about to try to kill myself again.”

“ _Again_?” Chan breathed, as if he had just been shot.

“I didn’t want anyone to find out, cuz- cuz I’m getting better,” Now Jisung was crying, his tears soaking into Hyunjin’s shirt. “He’s been- he’s been keeping me grounded for the last two years. He’s saved my life so many fucking times... that’s why he’s so important to me. I- I love him so much... I don’t deserve him-”

Jisung was cut off by desperate lips crashing against his. Hyunjin kissed him as if his life depended on it, tears dripping into their open mouths as they continued to cry softly. After a moment, Hyunjin pulled away and cupped Jisung’s cheeks, staring at him as if he were the most precious thing in the universe.

“I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you,” He whispered, resting his forehead against Jisung’s, letting his eyes fall closed. “I d-don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Good thing you never have to find out,” Jisung chuckled, kissing away a stray tear and tucking a strand of hair behind Hyunjin’s ear. “You’re stuck with me.”

“Jisung, aegi, how long have you felt like this?” Chan asked gently, putting a hand on the younger boy’s knee. Jisung looked up from Hyunjin’s face for just a moment before looking down again in shame.

“A while...” He muttered. “I... I joined the chat two years ago, but only tried to actually kill myself about a y-year ago.”

“A year ago? And we never noticed?” Chan felt numb.

“I was really good at hiding it,” Jisung let his lips curl in a humorless smirk. “I wasn’t all on my own, though. I had the chat, and I had Jinnie... he talked me through my panic attacks and stuff.”

“I’m so sorry we never noticed,” Chan leaned forward and pulled both boys into his arms, hugging them close. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore. You have all of us now.”

“I’m sorry I was so mean before,” Changbin was in tears. “I just-”

“You were being protective,” Jisung finished with a small smile. “I know hyung. I love you.”

“Love you too...” He mumbled, looking away.

“Sung, we need to talk about this,” Chan said softly, making Jisung flinch away, hiding his face in Hyunjin’s shoulder. “But... we can do it later, if you want.”

“Really?”

“Mm, I don’t want to overwhelm you, especially if you’re doing better with everything.”

“I, um...” Jisung trailed off for a moment, as if trying to determine whether or not he should say the next part of his sentence. After a beat, he continued. “I hurt myself about a week ago. Jinnie helped me through it... it wasn’t cuz of anything specific. I was just getting overwhelmed and sometimes my depression just kinda jumps on me out of nowhere.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Chan took Jisung’s hand, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it and smiling warmly at the younger boy. “I promise to do whatever I can when you need me. I just need you to tell me what I can do.”

“I’ll think about it...” Jisung pouted a little. Chan knew the younger boy meant to think about _how_ to communicate, not whether or not he was going to talk to Chan in the first place.

“Do you and Jinnie want to go take a nap?” The older boy asked, seeing the exhaustion in Jisung’s eye. He could only imagine how emotionally drained Hyunjin must be after thinking his best friend had gone to kill himself.

“Yes please...”

“Go on,” Chan smiled, his eyes turning up affectionately. “I’ll wake you guys for dinner. We can get take out, if you want.”

“Can we order from that burrito place?” Hyunjin asked, his voice muffled. Chan hadn’t been sure the younger boy had been paying attention up until that point.

“Mm, sure aegi,” Chan reached over and smoothed down Hyunjin’s hair a bit. “I’ll make sure the others know to keep it down.”

Jisung nodded and helped Hyunjin stand, leading him up to the room after giving Chan a tired smile. Hyunjin let himself be tugged along, his eyes swollen and hot from his tears. The room was empty when they closed the door behind them, the air silent.

“I’m sorry Jinnie.” Jisung whispered, wrapping himself around Hyunjin.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“For scaring you.”

“You didn’t know,” Hyunjin muttered, his voice hoarse. “I just... I panicked. You said you would only tell them if things got bad, and they came up to me saying they knew how we met and I just...”

“I’d probably panic too,” Jisung admitted. “But... but I promise I’m not feeling that way anymore. I’ve- this is the happiest I’ve been in fucking ages.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” Hyunjin started crying again, clinging to the other boy as though his life depended on it. “You’re- you’re my best f-friend, and I just- I love you so fucking much and I-”  
Jisung cut him off with a kiss, Hyunjin’s lips soft and salty. Hyunjin instantly deepened it, silently begging Jisung to comfort him.

And who was Jisung to deny Hyunjin anything?

Jisung kissed Hyunjin as if he were delicate - as if he were made of glass, and he was the most important thing to Jisung. He cupped Hyunjin’s cheek with one hand as the other curled around, his palm resting on the bare skin of the other boy’s lower back. Hyunjin’s skin was hot against his touch, and it only spurred him on, making him bit Hyunjin’s lip harshly. He swallowed the gasp that came from his friend, and he wanted to know what other sounds he could pull from Hyunjin.

He had been taken care of before, Hyunjin being extra careful to make sure he felt like was being worshiped, and now he could return the favor - he would show Hyunjin how worthy of praise he really was.

“I love you.” he whispered against Hyunjin’s throat.

“Sungie...”

“I’m...” He moaned a little as Hyunjin ground down on him. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Hyunjin froze, his face hidden in Jisung’s shoulder. As the silence dragged on, Jisung’s heart dropped further and further down. Did he fuck everything up? Would Hyunjin be uncomfortable around him now? Did he just ruin the best thing that ever came into his life because he was greedy and-

“I’m in love with you too,” Hyunjin whispered back. “I’ve... I think I’ve loved you for a long time now. Ever since... since you talked for like, two hours to me about that analysis paper you had to write to distract me from the fact that I was throwing up three bottles of soju...”

“That was... over a year ago.” Jisung stared at him with wide eyes.

“Mm, it was.” Hyunjin chuckled, his face lighting up.

“Fuck...” Jisung whispered before diving back down to capture Hyunjin’s lips. He switched their positions so he was hovering over the taller boy - staring down at Hyunjin, he was struck once more by how absolutely _ethereal_ his best friend was.

“Channie hyung said no one would bother us until dinner...” Hyunjin trailed off, smirking up and wiggling his hips a little to get his attention.

“I guess we’ll have to use our time wisely,” Jisung nipped at Hyunjin’s jaw, causing his friend to giggle a little at the sensation. “Can... can I take care of you?”

“Please?” The longing and adoration in Hyunjin’s eyes took Jisung’s breath away.

“Of course.” He kissed Hyunjin again, getting lost in the taste of his best friend’s lips.

* * *

  
“Do you want some tea?” Chan asked. Hyunjin nodded but Jisung shook his head. The eldest had gotten everyone out of the house so he could talk to the two boys without worrying about being walked in on. Chan could tell it made Jisung and Hyunjin more comfortable with the idea of talking, knowing they only had to talk to the blonde.

He smiled at the two and went back to the kitchen, making himself and Hyunjin tea while grabbing a bottle of water for Jisung. He knew Jisung never drank enough water.

“So,” He said, coming back to the living room. “Where do you want to start?”

“Uh, I guess I can go first?” Hyunjin said after a moment. “I joined the chat as... not a joke, but I really didn’t expect much to come from it. Usually chats like that die out after a couple of days, but it just kept going. We all got really close, but eventually it fizzled down. Sungie ended up being the only one I really kept in contact with. We used to only text, but when my depression started getting worse, I needed someone to talk to or else I would just- I would just lose it. I had started cutting in high school. I got bullied for being, well, me - and it only got worse when I got outed in front of the entire lunch room. Jisung really kept me sane after that - I finished my senior year at home because it was just too much to handle.”

“He... started drinking a lot, and it scared me because I didn’t know how to help him,” Jisung said softly, giving Hyunjin a break. “I would talk him through his panic attacks, and I stayed on the call so he wouldn’t have to go through everything alone.”

“Mm, I think my lowest point was just after that whole thing happened. I really... I really couldn’t imagine waking up anymore. I hated myself, and every time I saw myself in the mirror I thought I was going to throw up. Jisung was the one that- that managed to talk me out of taking the pills...”

“And Hyunjin was the one who got me to step off the side of the bridge,” Jisung stared at the water bottle in his hand, almost as if he were unable to look his hyung in the eye. “I... I was so overwhelmed with life, and I genuinely felt like there was no point. I felt... stuck - like there was no real future for me. I... I did the worst thing I could have done.”

“Jisung...” Hyunjin took Jisung’s hand.

“I-I texted him this long apology and left my phone on my bed next to my n-note. I sat on the edge of the bridge for like, four hours trying to convince myself to jump, but when I realized that... that no one would be able to tell him what happened... I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to him, so I came home and called him. I hid the note, and until now... no one knew.”

“Jisung, Hyunjin,” Chan said after a beat. He reached forward and took each of their hands in his own. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I’m so proud of you for staying strong for so long, and I’m so fucking grateful you had each other. It- it would have shattered us to lose Jisung, and we never would have had the chance to meet you, Jinnie.”

“Hyung...”

“What can I do?”

“Well,” Jisung hesitated. “Sometimes when I start feeling down, I just- I guess I just need someone to sit with me. Hyunjin would stay on facetime with me, and we would just... vibe without talking, and it really helped.”

“I have an idea,” Chan nodded, leaning back a little. “This goes for both of you, okay? We can use the color system for how you’re feeling. Just like during sex, you’d say you’re feeling yellow if you’re on the edge, or red if you’re doing really badly. If I think you’re starting to pull away, I can ask what your color is, and we can figure something out from there.”

“I think that might work.” Jisung muttered.

“Mm, we already use the color system when we...” Hyunjin trailed off, his ears burning.

“That was something else I wanted to ask you about,” Chan said carefully. “What... are you... what’s your relationship? The only reason I’m asking is so I don’t accidentally put you in an awkward situation.”

“Um...” Jisung turned and looked at Hyunjin, who kind of just... shrugged.

“I mean, he’s my best friend,” Hyunjin said easily. “And... and I love him. I love him more than anything... but I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was outed, so I don’t know if outright dating would... would be good yet?”

“We don’t really need a label to be happy, right?” Jisung asked, turning to Hyunjin. “As long as we love each other, and take care of each other... that’s all that matters.”

“Mm,” Hyunjin brought Jisung’s hand up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “I think that sums it up.”

“Sounds good,” Chan smiled warmly at them, pride shining in his eyes. “I’ll be checking in on you every few weeks, alright? I don’t expect it to be easy to open up immediately, especially if you only talked to each other for the last two years, but I won’t push you to talk or tell anyone else about whatever you tell me. Whatever you say will stay between us three.”

“Thank you, hyung.” Jisung sniffled softly, holding back tears.

“I... thank you.” Hyunjin bit the inside of his cheek.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” Chan looked between the two boys, who just glanced at one another.

“I don’t think so.” Jisung said with a small shrug.

“I think we’re good,” Hyunjin echoed. “For now, at least.”

“Alright,” Chan slapped his thighs and grinned at them. “The others will be out for the rest of the afternoon if you wanted to watch a movie or something? I know Jisung has been wanting to show us an anime-”

“D. Grey-Man!” Jisung immediately lit up, and Hyunjin thought he was absolutely beautiful. “It’s one of my favorites, but no one knows it anymore.”

He pouted, causing Hyunjin to coo lightly. He kissed the other boy’s cheek, earning a faint blush and shy smile from Jisung.

“I’ll make some lunch and we can watch the first few episodes,” Chan grinned and stood, ruffling the boys’ hair lovingly. “Why don’t you bring the first one up?”

“Mm!” Jisung hummed excitedly, grabbing the remote and pulling the site up on the television. Hyunjin’s eyes were glued to the other boy, not even noticing when Chan left the room entirely.

“I really love you.” He said after a moment.

“I love you too,” Jisung looked back and grinned, his smile brighter than anything Hyunjin had ever seen. “Come here, I wanna kiss.”

“Mm.” Hyunjin chuckled, going over and kissing Jisung gently, not trying to deepen it at all, both boys content with the chaste press of smile against smile.

Neither noticed Chan leaning against the doorframe, watching them with a fond grin. His boys were happy, and that’s all that mattered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Writing something completely unrelated to the other fics I already started? More likely then you'd HECKIN think! I dunno I guess I'm in a bit of a rut, especially with school. I just can't bring myself to write anything, let alone essays that I need for a grade, or fics that I was really excited to write before. At least I got this out, so I'm not completely giving up, though I can't help but feel like my writing isn't as good as it used to be somehow. Like, I know that's not how this works but also my brain is a little Broken lmao

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a oneshot, but it's late and I'm tired and I kinda want feedback on this before I start the next part lmao I hate having too many open fics at the same time, but I've been in a weird funk recently and can't really write my main fics without it feeling forced, so I turn to a bunch of angsty vent oneshots ToT that's showbiz tho


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